Why I Quit Drinking
The year was 2020. The pandemic accumulated unprecedented anxieties and created fearful unknowns. Aside from the pandemic, I was about to celebrate my 32nd birthday. For most people that’s just the seamless step between 31 and 33, but my mother was 32 when she died. Ever since I lost her when I was 9, I have subconsciously determined that I too would only live to be 32. The closer I got to my birthday, the more I obsessed about my health. I chased every ache and pain, searching for my inevitable demise. I saw so many healthcare providers, took a 72-hour EKG test, got x-rays, had bloodwork done over 6 times in one year, and the list goes on.
At this time, because of the pandemic and overall stress, I found myself drinking more and more. It started as Truly’s with friends around 3 every few days, then it was daily drinking starting at 11, and then I was drinking alone. I turned to alcohol to numb the constant worrying that consumed me.
After having a night that I drank way too much, and getting into a huge fight with my husband, I knew something needed to change. Everything clicked all of a sudden. I realized I was chasing every potential health concern, but also sabotaging my health with all the drinking. If I am searching so desperately for a health problem, why am I causing the potential of one by drinking?
On September 13th, 2020, I decided I was going to take a break. The idea of never drinking again wasn’t a decision I wanted to make just yet. So, I told myself, “I don’t know if I will drink tomorrow, but I won’t today.” By not putting myself into the box of being sober, I eliminated the pressure of the future, and just told myself I would focus on today. Almost three years later, I have not had any alcohol. Taking each day as it came was the invitation to myself to focus on solving my problems as they arise, without numbing myself with alcohol. The more I thrived without alcohol, the less I wanted to ever drink again. I developed healthy coping mechanisms, started seeing a therapist, and did the damn work. It was hard as hell, but it got so much easier when I started to deal with it, rather than ignoring it and numbing it with alcohol.
As time went on, I felt so empowered about my choice to prioritize my health. The boundary I set with alcohol opened up the doors to so many other healthy decisions. I gave myself permission to show up for myself and create a healthy lifestyle that works for me.
I realized that if I was so concerned about my health, then I needed to do something about it, rather than just complain and worry about it. I needed to stop chasing every ailment and thinking, “This could be the one.” I focused on all the good things I was doing for myself and utilized that as a sense of empowerment and optimism to understand that if I’m living a healthier lifestyle, this is all I can do to control my health.
I knew I could overcome the immense societal pressure to drink, so I could definitely maintain a healthier diet. If I could avoid drinking to numb my pain, I could definitely run for 30 minutes a day as a way to ease my anxiety with whatever I was going through.
I know it may not be this easy to abstain for everyone. And setting these healthier boundaries is hard! But it doesn’t all have to happen right away. One day at a time is all it takes to create a better life.
I still get fearful that I will die young like my mother. I mean, aside from health, I could be hit by a car tomorrow! This fear has transitioned to empowerment to understand that life is not promised to anyone, no matter what their life looks like. There is only so much I can do to promise myself tomorrow. And even then, I can not guarantee it.
So as I sip my mocktail and check the crosswalk twice for cars, I can rest assured that I am doing my best to stay healthy, and to live a long life.
