How Society Affected Me as A Mother
Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamt about being a mother. I never questioned if I wanted kids. I put the possibility on a pedestal and made it my purpose in life- to be a mother. When I lost my own mother when I was 9, I craved a connection I never got to have. I was looking to fill a void through parenthood. I looked forward to it being “my chance” to experience unconditional love.
Right after I got married, it felt like the next automatic step was to start a family. I never questioned any of it; if I was cut out for it, if I would make a good parent, if the timing was right, etc. I knew creating a family was all I ever wanted, but the reality of it all crashed in on me all at once.
A day after I birthed my daughter, the nurse told us we were released to go home and I couldn’t believe they would just allow us to leave with her. We were on our own. The first night we had her home, she was crying hysterically, and I literally told my husband that we should call 911. We took a parenting class that taught us how to swaddle and burp the baby, thinking that would set us up for success. Figuring out how to nurture, protect, and unconditionally care for this child for the rest of our lives- we were on our own.
Fast forward 8 years, and I now have an 8-year-old and a 6-year-old. My journey through motherhood has been unlike anything I have ever experienced. The immense amount of love intertwined with the insurmountable amount of worry. It’s a dichotomy, to say the least.
At times it felt like I was on a ride not knowing what was ahead, but waiting for people or professionals to tell me what to do. They say “it takes a village,” but they don’t tell you it’s up to you to create that village. I didn’t have the inner trust to believe I knew what was best; to do the research and consult professionals. Ultimately, I was fully capable of deciding what was best for my family. It took being let down too many times for me to recognize that society isn’t structured to support us. It’s designed to suppress and keep us struggling.
Gender inequality
Society shapes us at an early age what it means to be a woman, and what it looks like to be a man. It goes so far beyond what toys children are encouraged to play with, or what colors they’re “supposed” to wear. We seamlessly and subconsciously fill these roles. We are inundated with opinions of what a real man is, and how a lady should act. We are taught at an early age to fulfill our gender roles. The mother is the catch-all, the “default parent,” and the husband is the provider. The good cop bad cop type of thing.
These fictitious rules are based on nothing. They stand for nothing. These rules we subconsciously follow create gender norms that cannot contain the reality of life and the strengths we have as individuals, beyond gender.
The problem resides in how we shape the expectations of our children- specifically when it comes to their gender and how they fulfill that role. Instead of limiting our children because of their gender, we need to teach them to listen to what makes them happy. Be the person that you are proud of. As humans, we are all capable of being empathetic, nurturing, competent, and logical. Once we believe that, we’ll be better off.
We are limiting our abilities to be more. For men to be more compassionate and nurturing. For women to live a more balanced life, sharing the mental and physical load of the family with their partners.
Mommy wine culture
Our society praises alcohol as a relaxant and a lifestyle. We are encouraged through branding, marketing, and messaging to rely on alcohol to survive. Having a bad day? Have some wine. Want to celebrate? Have some champagne. The concept of self-care is supplemented with ciders and seltzers.
It’s not until we look at our consumption and ask how it makes us better. Are we drinking because we feel we need to in order to be more likable? Do we rely on alcohol to have a good time? How often do we prioritize drinking in any given situation? We drink because we don’t think we can’t. The fear of not drinking is larger than the fear of the damage alcohol does to our bodies.
Alcohol dependency is an issue that spans all genders and ethnicities, but when it comes to motherhood, we are engulfed in messaging convincing us to drink our problems away. It’s a prominent branding effort to correlate mothers and alcohol. Moms often use wine as a reward for dealing with the daily tribulations of motherhood. In order for us to feel relief, we have to numb ourselves. We are ingesting poison to reward ourselves for not properly caring for ourselves. We are not prioritizing self-care as we should be. Caring for ourselves; replenishing and rejuvenating is non-negotiable and it shouldn’t include alcohol.
“Mommy wines because you whine.” It’s almost as if we’re blaming them for our excessive consumption. We are subconsciously teaching our children that it’s ok to drink to cope with life and that they are not as important as alcohol. We have to take a long hard look at what we’re telling our kids without saying anything. We’re reiterating the message that our kids are causing us some sort of discomfort and that we need alcohol to supplement the suppression.
Lack of resources/awareness
Having children changes the biology of our bodies. Our shapes and sizes fluctuate, as well as our minds and moods. We come home after what can be a traumatic delivery, expected to give everything we have to this little soul. After I had my daughter, I felt completely overwhelmed, always anxious, and more depressed than I had felt before. I was lost. I went to see my doctor, in hopes of finding a solution. After less than 5 minutes, he recommended I take anti-depressants. At no point did he ask me how I am caring for myself; if I am prioritizing peace when I can find it, eating healthy, working out, etc. None of those questions were asked. He slapped a prescription on my problem and sent me on my way. It didn’t feel right. I never ended up taking any medication because I ultimately knew it wasn’t right for me. I silenced my intuition to lead me into that doctor’s office, looking for a solution to my problem. But I innately knew what the solution was. I didn’t need a doctor to tell me. I knew I needed to stop drinking coffee on an empty stomach all day. I knew I needed to eat healthier, get outside more, and take my vitamins. I knew I needed to sleep when the baby sleeps, regardless of what else needed to be done. I knew I needed to cut alcohol because it was only adding to my anxiety and insecurity. I knew I needed to listen to my intuition, rather than trust anyone else.
Society prioritizes suppressing mothers rather than helping them succeed. I believe this is done to keep us controllable and to profit off our pain. But at the end of the day, we cannot blame society. Society is simply the aggregate of people living together in a more or less ordered community. The large problem is outside our control, but the real issue is our inability as individuals to trust our intuition.
It’s our choice to not go against the grain and to conform to what’s easier on a large scale. It’s easier to promote a male vs. female structure. It’s easier to drink, rather than abstain. It’s easier to take a pill rather than do the work to care for yourself physically and mentally. Doing the work to choose to be better for yourself, and in return for your children is the only answer.
Ultimately, I compassionately blame myself for not trusting my intuition with confidence sooner. No one knows what is best for you other than you. No one is coming to save you. Everyone else will have an ulterior motive, but your gut won’t.
Looking back on my experience as a mother, I acknowledge my deep desire to have children came from the wrong place. I was attempting to fill a void but didn’t do the work to fill my own cup. I needed to learn to nurture myself before I could nurture a child. Now that I have learned that lesson, I value motherhood as the gift of learning more about myself than I ever knew and respecting myself more than I ever thought I could. Not for my own benefit, but to benefit my children. To know that I did everything I could to give them everything they need. I am willing to do the work, be uncomfortable, and create change in order to ensure they have a better life.
Give yourself patience and acceptance as you travel down the path of parenthood. Never silence your own intuition to surrender to society. The more you do, the more they’ve won.
