EXPECTATIONS AND OTHER ILLUSIONS
I dealt with a lot of realization surrounding expectations this month. Expectations I have for myself, what kind of mother I am, how my life pans out, and exactly what it looks like. These expectations have built walls around me, in hopes of keeping me naive to the truth, which is that expectations are bullshit.
The mere definition of expectations is “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.” How can I know how the future is going to progress? How do any of us know what our lives will look like even a week from now? The expectations I have for myself, and for the quality of life I’d like to upkeep, is just my fear of losing it all in disguise. My hamster-wheel worrying is just my subconscious’s way of trying to protect me from feeling the pain of losing what I love most. I know how it feels. So much that sometimes it’s hard for me to feel like I deserve the beautiful life I have.
EXPECTATIONS FOR MYSELF
I have had a lot of expectations for life, for myself, and the sequence of how my life pans out. As I humbly admit a tough pill to swallow, I have been strolling along quite aimlessly waiting for that moment in life where it all just “fits.” Quite literally looking for a feeling that it all just clicks, like the gears in the back of a clock. With this realization, I thought of those gears clicking together, and how they all have a part to do. I couldn’t help but take note of the idea of action within my own life, and how all my “jobs’’ I had to do worked together seamlessly. I thought about how my fitness goals, diet goals, mental health goals, family goals, personal goals, all work together. And when one is doing its part and another may be lacking- All of a sudden, the gears aren’t shifting together correctly and it’s all thrown off. I really reflected on why I tend to ruin the present with my unrealistic expectations. I want to enjoy the stage of life I’m in. Regardless of the state of it. The good, bad, hard, seamless, it’s all worth being in the moment for.
With this reflection, my goal now is resilience. The first step was taking note of some of the unrealistic goals I had for my day which were skipping the essentials, giving in to distractions, neglecting slowdowns, etc. I created some templates on Google Docs to get me organized with my goals for the day, the week, month, etc. It allows me to visually identify what I can accomplish and when.
The second step was to take a long hard look at the expectations I had for myself. I have a lot of visions for what I want out of life; my career, my health, my fitness, all the main pillars that makeup who we are, and how to care for ourselves, and how we choose to express ourselves Instead of striving to produce more, I can try to produce work that is meaningful but unique to me. I am getting into the habit of putting in the time to work on my goals while letting go of the expectations I have about what it means to be good at it or to succeed at it.
OTHER PEOPLE’S EXPECTATIONS
I care what other people think of me, often too much. I am working on that. I ponder what other people will think of the things I create or the articles that I write. I hold myself back. In fear of making it. In fear of existing fully. The truth is, other people’s opinions of me are none of my business. They’re formed through their thoughts, opinions, etc. All of which is truly none of my business when we’re discussing how I show up in the world. Two completely different things when it’s boiled down to THEIR thoughts versus YOUR actions.
There are so many things that the outside world (or even our internal dialogue) convinces us of what we need to be happy.
Often, it’s not that we need something new, it’s just that we need a new perspective. We know what’s best for us. I know what’s best for me.
CONCLUSION
Just remember it will pass, and it can get better- as long as you create the action in helping it get that way. I commit to putting in the work, towards my growth. My desire for growth is about taking each day as an opportunity to learn more about life and myself. If you can always be grateful for what you already have in this life, no matter what happens, nothing and nobody will ever disturb your peace again.
