Are you giving too freely to others?
Do you feel like you’re giving way more in your relationships than you’re receiving? Do you have a hard time feeling valued in professional and/or business relationships?
For a long time, I worked too hard to please others. I would go above and beyond for everyone other than myself, including strangers. I started to feel like no one would reciprocate or even dare try. I wanted to be appreciated, but I didn’t realize how much it was taking from me. Growing tired of trying so hard to please others, resentment grew. Bitterness was taking over, and I was discouraged, to say the least.
I thought long and hard about why I always got myself into these situations. What was it that I innately cared so much about the people around me and so little about myself? I knew I was doing a good job at whatever it was, but it was never enough.
I realized I was seeking approval from others. I wanted to appease everyone around me so that I could feel valuable. I wanted to feel appreciated and needed. I wasn’t allowing the internal value to mean anything.
Here are some signs you’re giving too much to others, along with how to stop repeating the pattern:
PROBLEM: People expect a lot from you, but you don’t ask much from others.
Whether it’s through work or personal life, it seems like people rely on you a lot for things. This assists in you feeling needed, but the overwhelming amount of people needing you can be frustrating. In return, you have a hard time asking for help. You’d rather just complete the task or handle it yourself so that you don’t disappoint someone, or yourself.
SOLUTION: Set clear expectations, and avoid over-committing
You initially get excited about helping someone, and you get eager to take on what you can to help them out. However, when it comes time to complete these tasks, you feel overwhelmed and you wish you wouldn’t have committed in the first place.
As much as it may hurt to shift your stance on this, try under-committing. For example, if you have an opportunity to help someone, and you have 5 free hours to do so. Only commit to half. Think of it as playing poker. Don’t show all your cards. As much as you’re going to want to over-commit to help someone out, don’t be too eager. Go into the situation knowing it may be more work than you anticipated. Allow the extra time to allocate to the extra needs. Your willingness to help is valuable. Your time is valuable. Do not give more than you need to.
PROBLEM: You feel resentful.
The bed has been made, and you’re trying to live in it. However, you’re at the point where you’re feeling taken advantage of, and it’s no longer enjoyable to you. First, please understand that whether the scope of work changed, or your interest in helping changed, there is no fault to assign here. It’s not your fault, nor is it anyone else’s. You do not know why you’re being asked to do more than you originally anticipated. Maybe the person you’re working with is leaning on you because you’re doing such a good job, they’re just not verbalizing their appreciation. The chance of this situation intending to harm you is rare. People aren’t innately evil like that (maybe some, unfortunately), but try not to assume the worst.
SOLUTION: CREATE BETTER BOUNDARIES
Along with the point of most people not being innately evil and intentionally taking advantage of you, most people respect boundaries. The trick is, you have to implement the boundaries. In the beginning, is great, but at any point that you need to implement better boundaries to protect your energy and your time, you are allowed to do so. The person you’re working with should understand and have compassion toward your feelings. If not, then maybe they aren’t as well-intentioned as you thought. Then, it’s up to you to decide if the unhealthy relationship is worth maintaining.
I get very nervous about “burning bridges” and letting people down. However, after continuously feeling taken advantage of, I would rather let them down than continue to let myself down. I am no longer living that way. My energy is valuable and I know that. It’s up to me to remind myself of that and value that.
This lesson isn’t easy at all, and it’s a lesson I am continuing to learn. However, each time I get myself involved in a project, my goal is to implement better boundaries than the project before. That’s all I can do. I cannot change other people, but I can change how I present myself to others.
